The Month Before Valentines
by Zmallet
Summary: A plan to woo Lily Evans before Valentines Day, platyrrhines, and an extremely heavy potions book of all things. Collaborative Effort, Incomplete. RR for happy authors
1. Winnie : Part 1

This is going to be a collaborative fanfic between Steph (BLASTOXY on and I. One of us writes one part, and then the other person writes the next. We don't tell each other anything about the plot, so it is unsure what pairings will be involved. I'm going to try my hardest to bend the plot she may have in mind the other way, and she can do the same for me :D It's all impromptu and made up on the spot, so please support us! I wrote the first part. 

To Steph: You may copy the whole story and add your own chapter on your account and tell me when it's up, or you can simply send the chapter to me and I'll upload it here.

-------START PART 1-------

Oh, my lovely lily of the valley 

_Won't you be mine on this day?_

_I love you from the bottom of my heart_

_Just like Frank Longbottom loves his frog._

_From your secret admirer,_

_James Potter._

"James, for one thing, you're not supposed to reveal who you are if you're going to introduce yourself as a secret admirer," Remus raised his eyebrow at his friend. James scribbled something out on the note. "And secondly, what kind of poem is this?"

"A haiku," James replied proudly, "Romantic, isn't it?" Remus scoffed.

"A haiku's supposed to have three lines, James. And the syllables are supposed to go 5-7-5… look, you've got 10-7-10-9…"

"Hey, at least I got one, right?" James frowned, as if it weren't such a big deal at all. "The 7, see? See?!" He jabbed the note so hard with his wand that it crumpled up. "Oh, bugger."

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"Prongsie! Moony! We've been looking everywhere for you! Where have you been?" Sirius' childish screams rang through the library and the librarian threw him a dirty look.

"Gosh Padfoot, we've been in the library, and you've obviously not been _everywhere_, because I've never seen you here except for just now," James rolled his eyes at his friend.

"Shut up Prongs… Muh-hooony, stop spending time with Prongsie, he's becoming a smartass like you."

"I quite enjoy Moony's company." James replied in a pained voice.

"Merlin's beard, Prongs! What did Remus do to you? No… don't tell me… _he turned you queer?!_ Two men… an empty library… OH GOD, WHAT DID YOU GUYS DO?! Don't turn to the dark side, Prongs! Noo! Noooo!_"_ Sirius said in an amazingly soap opera-ly voice.

"Shut up Sirius. I was just helping James write his Valentines proposal to Lily."

"Muh-hooony, when will you start using our club names? We're the MARAUDERS, Moony, Padfoot, Wormtail and Prongs! And isn't Valentines Day like 8 months away?"

"No Sirius, Valentines Day is not in September…" Remus rubbed his forehead.

"Well I'm soh-ree, Mr. Valentines Day Expert!"

"You ought to know, isn't one of your girlfriends' birthdays on Valentines Day?" Remus pondered knowingly.

"Merlin Moony, you stalk my girlfriends now? Which one was it again… Samantha? Or Vivian? No, I think it might be Mary… Well, might as well dump them all now so I don't have to use so much money buying gifts."

"You dumped Vivian three months ago, Sirius."

"Oh, in that case –"

"And Samantha graduated last year."

"Ah… I thought she'd been avoiding me…"

"Mary's birthday is in June."

"What--?! How do you know that?"

"She's in my charms class."

"Aha… heh, at least I can't be worried that she's two-timing me with you, right? Haha, I mean, you're gay…"

"Who I was homosexual? _And look who's talking about two-timing…"_

"No James I will not go out with you."

"Why are you calling me James, Moony?"

"I never called you James."

"Aww, Lily! You know I love you from the bottom of my heart, just like Frank Longbottom loves his frog!"

"Moony, I'm not Lily either, or Frank Longbottom."

"I know, Sirius. That's James over there with Lily, asking her out again, you platyrrhine."

"Oh."

"Lily My sweet flower! Wait, what are you doing? Why are you – oh no, why are you picking up your extra heavy potions' book? And you're coming nearer to me… Oh Merlin, what are you intending to – aaaaaaarrrrrggghhhhhhh! Ow! Ow! What--!? Help! Someone!"

"That's James getting hit by Lily's Potions' book."

"Oh… I see… Moony, what's a platyrrhine?"

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The boys were back in their common room, James clutching a rather swollen bruise on his head.

"Fat load of help you guys are, while I'm being beaten up by Lily, you two are discussing monkeys and chimpanzees or something!" James tried to play hit Remus, but only succeeded in injuring himself further as he pushed Remus' arm gently and ended up bouncing off as he hit his head onto the wall behind him.

"What the--? Moony, when did you grow muscles?" James rubbed his head and winced as he realised the action, although providing some comic effect, did not do much for his pain. Remus simply blushed and didn't reply. At this moment (splendid timing, according to Remus), a scruffy mousy-brown haired boy entered the common room, adorning what seemed like seeds spilling out of his ears.

"Argh… It was a long, long Herbology lesson… I only took it because Frank and Alice wanted someone else to – Merlin James, did you guys bump into Snape or something?" Peter jumped as he studied James' swollen forehead. James' face fell.

"It was Lily." He murmured.

"Oh…" Peter decided not to pursue the matter further and instead changed the subject, "Hey, what are you guys all doing for Valentine's Day?" Bad mistake. James' whole head seemed to sink lower.

"I'm going out with Penelope, since it's her birthday that day," Sirius said proudly, finally having remembered which one of his girlfriends' birthdays it was exactly.

"I'll probably be in the library, reading as usual…" Remus muttered.

"…" James remained silent. Sirius slapped him in the back.

"I've got it! The Marauders are launching a new plan! The Help James Potter Woo Lily Evans Before Valentines Day Plan!" Sirius pointed his finger into the air for dramatic effect.

"Can it be called THJPWLEBVDP for short?" Peter pleaded hopefully.

"Sure, why not?" Sirius grinned. James looked up and smiled weakly before wincing and clutched his wound again.

"This is going to be a long winter…" Remus groaned.

---END OF PART 1---


	2. Steph: Part 2

Hey - Steph here; this is my first piece of Fanfic EVER so try not to massacre me with angry mobster reviews. Have fun (unlikely) and sorry for such a short chapter!

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James Potter looked at his ebony haired friend in pure confusion and exceeding doubt. He opened his mouth, concentrating on how exactly to word his question.

"So what you're telling me… is that… I'm going to win the heart of Lily Evans… by giving her…" he paused, furrowing his eyebrows, "A cookie? You've spent the last 3 weeks dragging us to 'Marauder Meetings' and conferences in the 'Sirius-Cave' to tell me to give Lily… a cookie? "

"That's right Prongsie-poo; but not just any cookie – it'll be a huge cookie the size of a dinner plate!" yelled the aforementioned Marauder.

"You've really got to stop doing that."

"Stop doing what, my dear Prongsie-poo?"

Remus stepped in, "I think he means that you should stop adding a synonym for metabolic waste to the end of his name."

Sirius raised an eyebrow and frowned, "Bonjour?" he stammered uncertainly. The two more intellectually advanced Marauders sighed and shook their heads. "What?!" gaped Sirius, "They don't teach Moony-language here!"

"Stop adding 'poo' to the end of my name," replied James bluntly.

"Oh - sorry, no can do Prongsie-poo," shouted Sirius merrily, patting the said 'Prongsie-poo' on the back.

"Back to the cookie issue, gentlemen," interrupted Remus.

"Right," chanted the other two.

"Dinner-plate sized cookie, you say Padfoot?" grinned James. "And this, is somehow meant to win the heart of Lily Evans? _The_ Lily Evans? Amazing, wonderful, caring, sensitive, ravishing, bewitching, breath-takingly beautiful, auburn-haired, emerald-eyed, angelic, love-of-my-life Lily Evans? _That_ Lily Evans?"

"If you're talking about Miss Slap-Happy, then yes," grimaced Sirius, reminiscing about the recent slap match in which he was left without the feeling in his cheeks for the rest of the day. _Note to self_:_ flirting with Evans is bad. Bad, bad, bad, _thought Sirius, raising his hand to his cheek.

"Okay then, so how do we go about obtaining this gigantic baked good?" asked Remus.

"Merlin! Don't tell me I have bake the sodding thing!" gasped James, "I'd never have it ready by tomorrow!"

"Nonono! No self-respecting Marauder is going to be caught dead baking like an elderly Muggle woman!"

"So you're going to _conjure a huge cookie_?" queried a baffled Remus, "I don't think a spell for that even exists."

"No, no , no, we're not going to bake like old ladies _or _pull cookies out of our hats like Muggles," sighed Sirius, as if it were the simplest thing in the world, "We're going to the kitchens and tell the elves to make it. And I thought you were the smart one Moony."

"Lily's going to strangle you if she finds out your Valentine's gift was the product of hours of slavery courtesy of the elves."

"Moony has a point there, you of all people should know that Lily is really_, really_ touchy about elf labour," said James, staring at Sirius.

Sirius raised his hand to his cheek again. _Second note to self: Do not put the words 'elves' and 'stupid' in the same sentence while in the same room as Miss Slap-Happy._

"Well," declared Sirius, "You'll just have to lie Prongsie-poo; think you can handle that?"

"Yeah, sure," mumbled James.

"But I don't think lying is going to make Li-" began Remus but was interrupted by a certain call of:

"WORMTAIL!" hollered Sirius, "Get down here!"

Seconds later, a scrawny, scruffy boy trotted down the stairs, "Y-ye-yes?"

"Tell the elves to bake a cookie – a really big one. Have it ready for tomorrow," demanded Sirius before Peter could reply and complain that he couldn't because he was already trying to work through the mountain of homework that Sirius had commanded him to do.

"And Peter," began James, "Tell the elves to spell out 'Lily: Happy Valentines' with chocolate chips – dark or milk chocolate; my lovely Lillerina doesn't like white chocolate."

Sirius coughed – "Stalker," he muttered before being pelted repeatedly on the head by James.

"Ow!" _Whack._ "Please!" _Whack._ "Moony!" _Whack. _"Help!"

"For Merlin's sake James – stop it!" cried Remus, snatching away James' choice of weapon: _History of the Wizarding World_. "Here, use this instead," said Remus, handing James a pillow.

Whilst be battered to near-death by his fellow Marauder and the other watching on in amusement, Sirius thought – _Note to self: Sabotage Prongsie's shampoo and burn Moony's books._


End file.
